


Like a Virgin

by Cluck_and_Peck



Series: Write ALL the Hobbit AUs! [5]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And the Arkenstone, But Mainly sex, F/M, Female Bilbo, Quest for Sex, Rule 63
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 14:31:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3414170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cluck_and_Peck/pseuds/Cluck_and_Peck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Belle Baggins goes on The Quest to Erebor in an attempt to lose her virginity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a Virgin

Belle Baggins had a problem. Or rather, she was a problem.

She had discovered in her teenage years that she had quite a healthy sexual appetite. One might even say an overdeveloped one. She had dreams and daydreams and fantasies of sex. Gratuitous, meaningless, toe curling sex.

What she lacked was the ability to actualise any of these thoughts.

Belle had always been shy and in an attempt to deal with shyness she had become outspoken. It had grown into rudeness that she couldn’t quite shake off so that now she swung between utter silence and blushing or outright hostility. And that meant that when someone of the opposite sex (which is where her sexual inclinations laid, although there was a certain dream involving Marigold...) interested her, she managed to somehow insult him in every possible way and consequently lost all chances of adventures of the erotic nature. Now this wouldn’t have been quite so much of an issue somewhere else, inevitably there would be some man in the world who was turned on by the thought of a rude, insulting marmish woman, that much her books had told her. Unfortunately for Belle she lived in Hobbiton, where everyone knew everyone and she knew that no boy here appreciated a sharp tongue. Her sexual ambitions were hindered by geography and her own fear of travel.

So there she was, a thirty two year old virgin living alone in the big home her father had built for her mother all alone.

She was not happy. Not particularly unhappy either, she had also gleaned from the books that sometimes men couldn’t satisfy women and at least her hand had aided her well and good in that. But she was not particularly happy either.

But her life was about to change and it started when a wandering hippy appeared at her door.

_“I am looking for someone to share in an adventure.”_

“Well that’s...nice, Gandalf, but you’re really not my type and honestly considering that you were the one whose fertility fruit shakes are the reason my mom conceived, I feel really awkward about your...proposition.”

“What the-? Belle Baggins, I am not propositioning you.”

It was not the first time her sex starved brain had chosen to interpret an innocent conversation in a decidedly un-innocent way and so Belle was unaffected. After the twentieth time she saw a double entendre where there was none, embarrassment just became a bit too much of an emotion to experience

“Oh. Well then, please continue.”

“My friends are in need of someone with skills.”

“Gandalf when you make obscure references like that, it really does sound like your friends are looking for a high end prostitute.”

She could only hope that was what Gandalf meant. She might actually consider such an adventure.

Gandalf rolled his eyes. “The kind of skills that Belladonna trained you in.”

“Oh.”

Belle’s mother, Belladonna Baggins (May she rest in peace) was a beautiful charming creature that everyone had adored. Consequently they turned a blind eye to her kleptomaniac tendencies. Unfortunately for Belle, Belladonna hadn’t passed down any of those charming wonderful traits to her and she was simply a plain, frizzy haired girl that the older woman had inadvertently trained to be an excellent thief if only because she had to discreetly put away everything her mother took.

 “And I am afraid it involves a fair bit of travelling which you might find hard to deal with.”

“Why would it be hard to deal with?”

“Well thirteen men not counting me in the trapped space of a bus travelling across the country to Erebor? I don’t think you’d handle that too well.”

Well, well, well. Closed space so no one could escape, thirteen men which meant there was bound to be one of them she was attracted to and possibly vice versa. And if not that, a long trip over vast areas of land where she would hopefully find a brothel with male prostitutes. Heck at this point in her life she was willing to close her eyes, think of Marigold and get a female one instead.

“When do we start?”


End file.
